Heya
Hope everyone is doing well.
I am now settled and mentally am sorted out.
I now have a family and have managed to put my demons into the past and now I am moving on happily in life and am in a good place.
13 going on 14 how big are u getting Alfie and Charlie, I really do hope I get to see u again and make up for the man I was, I was so ill and didn't realise it when I was bringing you all up. I didn't really know much about mental health like I do now. I have taken control of my mind, I have been stable for the last 5 years and I am under good care and my fiance is so good to me and good for me. We have 5 children from 4 to 14, I would love for you to all be around as it isn't the same without all of you in my life. Our door is always open for you all if the time comes that you would like to see me again.
Gracie you're turning 16 this year, wow, that has gone so fast. How much have you all grown, I'm so sorry I haven't been writing for a long time. I wanted to get myself into a good place and now I am finally happy and in a good place. I'm so sorry for the man I was, that was not who I am now, I am a good man no shouting anymore, I am more chilled, I hated how I was with your mum and you kids. I've been in a relationship for 2 years now and it is a cracking relationship.
That isn't the point for writing to you all today i just want to tell you I am here and I am present and I am doing so well in my mind and I have done something in my life other than just existing.
I love you all so so much, I really do, I've missed you all so badly over the years, even xmas and birthdays with my kids now and I still know I am missing you all, I've missed so damn much and I don't know how I am ever gonna make it up to you all.
I know it would have been hard for you all too, as a person back then, I was a very horrible guy.
I got a tattoo 'risen from the ashes' out of harry potter and the pheonix fawkes. I'm never going back to the man I used to be.
I'm just beyond sorry, I put everyone through hell and that I was such a bad dad.
I never thought I'd be in a relationship ever again, I just didn't trust myself, I was so scared I'd turn into the man I used to be and expected the rest of my life to be on my own.
I am so so glad Jennie didn't see that in me, she saw me for the man I am today, the good, kind hearted guy that I am, I know that now as Jennie has shown me for me if u get me, I had totally given up on life and I was just holding on by a thread.
It's a light at the end of the tunnel and I am so sorry I haven't been in your life all these years but please know I am always here for you, if u want to vent at me give me, cuddles, learn about me or anything, I am here, I do love you all so so so much.
I am really sorry beyond words for what I put you through, for not dealing with my mental health which put everyone in such a dire situation tbh. I am never doing that again, all I've got these days is love for everyone, I don't fight like I used to, I will always fight for family if I need to, I have always got your backs, always.
I know it may be strange seeing me but I will take anything from you, I just want you all in my life so badly. I want to make up for the man I was and be the dad that you all deserve, this is who I am now, I will always be your dad and I will always be here and ready for whenever you want a call, email or to meet me or anything you want.
I'm no longer living in Warrington, I am in Northwich now.
Grandad and Grandma are doing well, they miss you all so much and they love you forever and always.
The love I have for you all has never gone away, so, even if you don't feel comfortable contacting me now or in the near future, just know I am ready forever. I'm always here for you. I know it will be hard after all I have done but I would really love the chance to see or speak to you all again and for you to see me as I am now and u can feel the pure love I have for you all.
I was in such a manic state of mind when your mum and I were together and it really just kept going down hill. I didn't know what was going on with me, I was so scared of hurting anyone and I was so scared to walk away, I needed to research mental health but I was so far in denial that I could have been in Egypt haha.
Now I own my mind and it doesn't own me like it did, it's taken years to get to this place and being on the right medication works so well and helps me more than I ever could have imagined.
I wonder what you're doing this bank holiday morning.
I don't even know if you will ever see this but I just want you to know you are loved forever more and always will be.
The hole in my heart can never be filled till I have you all back in my life again.
I'm going to divorce your mum and just know that is a formality that needs to be done and I've been putting it off for years. I'm not going to put contact on the divorce proceedings as I don't want to put any stress on your mum but most of all you children, You have been through so much with and without me that it wouldn't be fair on any of you to go down that route, that being said, I don't want you to think that I don't want contact, there is nothing I would love more than to have some form of contact with you all. I want you in my life so much but on your terms and not mine. I want you all to be the happiest you can be, I really hope you have a good father figure in your life that can help guide you as I know your mum will be guiding you in life too.
I would quite happily shake the hand of any man who helped raise you when I couldn't. If anybody has been nice and taught you values that's great but I'm sure your mum has done a good job on her own. I would have respect for anybody who helped your mum pick up the pieces as I know it's been hard for you all and your mum.
I just want a chance to show you who I truly am and not the idiot who I was back then.
It was never intentional but I never knew how to be a weak person and accept help when I needed it.
I know, I said weak, but to me it made me feel weak having a mental illness and I didn't want that so I didn't open up as much as I should or could have, I just wish I had sorted myself out way before this happened.
I am never going to forgive myself for the pain and hurt I caused, I have turned my life around and I have helped people in domestic abusive situations to move on from there ex and stood tall for them when they couldn't. They say I am a good man now and I should forgive myself but to me that's impossible, I have to accept who I was and accept Iv'e changed, I never want to even slightly be like that again.
It is not who I am, I don't think letting go of that will be good for me as I need to remember what could happen if I make excuses for myself, even though I was very very mentally ill, it's irrelevant, I knew on some level that I wasn't right so when I went to mental hospital and I was just told I had anger management issues I didn't want to push it any further and thought they must be right as they know best, they are trained to look for illness. I was so scared that if I was mentally ill then I wouldn't be allowed to be your dad but I know now that is exactly why I am not there for you all now. I teach my children about choices in life and I know I made a choice to hide my mental health even though I couldn't predict how the tides would have turned. I still chose to hide seeing things, mood swings, anger, lack of emotion and being so closed up for anyone to be able to help me. I felt I needed to just soldier on and hold the family together but now I know if I ever get like this then I would need to step away to get better, the mental health team would be there and so will Jennie. I'm never going to be ashamed to get help when I need it. I know it would be hard to go away for a while but I know it is crucial for me to recognise when I need to step away and get help and there is no shame in that, so, remember that if u have any mental or physical health issues in the future, you need to take care of yourselves before you can take care of anyone else and know I am always here.
I now know what my signs are and when I may need to walk away and Jennie knows them too. She knows if I need to get away from the situation I am in and make time to heal myself and that is ok, the kids are here if I need to go away for a week or a month or a year, I will always be there for the kids, I just need to know and have plans to step away if I get ill but I doubt I will ever get that ill again but its planned for. Jennie has reassured me that if it happens then I will take the time away and get better, it's important as my kids love me and don't I need them to see me like that and I wish that you all never saw it either. There father abused them and I'm showing them how to deal with yourself, how shouting doesn't help but using your words calmly does. They have mental health issues themselves, I get mickey so well as he has ADHD like me and I have helped him a lot to learn it is in no way a down fall but he can get through life he is 9, 10 this year and he has come on leaps and bounds with our support, Jennie didn't know how she could help him but I have ADHD, so before he has a melt down, I am on it working my magic through my understanding of mental health. Jay and Kristian have suspected Autism, every day I am still learning about it but we get through everything together as a family and there is space here always for you in our hearts and lives.
Jennie is lovely, she works in the community to feed hungry people for free, she volunteers to do that and I am so damn proud of her for that. She went through an abusive relationship too and we are working together everyday to figure out life and whats best for us all as we go along. I would hope Jennie has found peace with me just like I want for your mum, I hope she has found her peace after so much pain that I have caused.
I regret the part I played in that so so badly, I just wish your mum the best and I hope she is finally truly happy.
I just want the best for all of you.
Bethany is all grown up now, I tried reaching out to Bethany and your mum but to no avail a good while ago.
I'm just so sorry I made this mess in all your lives and I made you feel the way you do about me, Just know if I could turn back time then I would change everything and give you the world unfortunately I doubt time machines will ever exist.
I don't want you to think 'I've got a family now' so I will put them ahead of you, I care for all of you deeply and Jennie says there is always a space for you all here and love in her heart for you too. We are awaiting your return to my life but in your own time and when you are ready, I just don't want you to hate me, that was not me, I love being your dad and will take that opportunity anytime you allow it.
I'm going nowhere, if u use the contact form it will come to my email and I will forever be waiting for you but I appreciate that an email may never arrive. I will be there. I will be present, I don't mind if u just want to be angry at me for who I was, I deserve it. I really do hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for my sins. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you all from the bottom of my heart.
I would love to just turn up and see you all (if I knew where you were), but I want you to feel safe and not to worry your mum. I was a very scary guy back then and the only memories you all hold are awful ones but I would love to change that if you let me.
I will always take control of my mind now, I am seeking help from a psychiatrist when I go down hill even slightly.
I've got this covered now and I accept my wrong doings, I never want to be like that ever again. It still scares me that I could turn like that but I've been ok for five - seven years. I hope that reassures you, even if only a little. Life is looking up and the only thing I am missing in my life is you. I really hope one day you can forgive me and let me have a second chance but I know that is going to be a really hard decision for you all to make.
I'm so sorry I haven't written on here in years, I couldn't do it while I was going through things, dealing with my mind, learning to feel and accept my emotions and my mental health.
I know you may have found this, if you google yours or your mums or my name you will find this page.
I just want you to know the love I have for you all and that has never stopped. I've been in a massive hole and Jennie through a rope down for me and I climbed it and now I see the good, I am the peace, the man of honour, I am your dad and I am a dad here and I can help a family without losing my temper and controlling everything. Jennie gave me that chance to live again, I never thought I would feel like this again, like I am worth something. I felt so lost in life over the years but now I feel if you reach out we can reconnect and build our relationship over time and you can see the true me, the man I am today, tomorrow and forever more.
I know I have a lot of making up to do and I hope your mum can get some closure in her life. I've stayed away, not forced court on you all, I've tried to give you a free life without this train wreck in it but now I'm finally where I need to be and I am missing and have missed so much of your lives and we could be building a life of love and peace and family.
I need you in my life, I need to learn Alfie and Charlies faces as you've changed so much over the years and now I'm not 100 percent sure who is who, you are so alike but I know I used to tell you apart years ago but now I need to learn who is who again haha, so, don't go swapping names when or if we meet again just to confuse me more haha, I will most likely will tell you apart face to face but in pictures its hard.
I will leave you with my love and I wont leave it so long to write on my blog again, life has not been steady and I wasn't getting anywhere in life so what would be the point to just ramble on when life is a mess and I didn't do anything.
I love you all beyond this world, beyond the next one and forever more, its a undying love even when I pass on into the next life I will always love you, you are never off my mind, I really hope one day we can all meet and have a good relationship in life, I want to be your dad but I know I'm going to have to earn that title again and I know I will do.
Love you forever more.
Love Darren (dad)
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